THE GESARGENPLOTZIAN GOSPEL

I. 1. In the beginning was the Great Gesargenplotz. And the Gesargenplotz was, and it knew that it was. 2.And it came to pass, for some reason or other, that the Great Gesargenplotz created Him. 3. And the Great Gesargenplotz went away, but He remained. 4. And He created the heavens and the earth, or at least this Earth and the nearby heavens. 5. He so arranged it that on this earth there arose creatures capable of belief in things beyond their senses -- human creatures.

II. 1. To these human creatures He revealed Himself in many ways. To some He called Himself Allah, to others He gave His name as Zeus. To one people He said His name was Baal, to another He presented Himself as Yahweh. Some knew Him as Odin, others as Brahman. In many ways He revealed Himself. 2. To almost all of the humans to whom He revealed Himself he taught that only that revelation was the true revelation. Many were taught by Him that any way other than their own way was wrong, and that those who believed must fight all other ways. 3. Many duties He laid upon the humans. He made it a duty to stamp out other beliefs, to convert or kill those who believe in other ways. 4. Many duties He laid upon the humans. He taught that there were many things that they must do, and many things that they must not do. 5. Many of the things that He taught must be done were things that brought pain and unhappiness to the humans. Many of the things that He taught must not be done were things which would have brought pleasure to the humans. 6. Then He looked upon the Earth and saw it filled with humans who because of His deception hated one another and were much less happy than they might have been. And it pleased Him, because His heart was hard.

III. 1. What pleased Him most was that He had revealed to many of these creatures an entirely false belief, a belief that if they behaved according to the rules He had given they would survive death and live on in some way. 2. Not all of the humans were told this story, for He wanted this to be one of the things about which the humans contended. And He loved contention greatly, because His heart was hard. 3. Those humans who believed His story of life after death thus came to believe that they, though animals, were not animals. Many lived their lives and died in this vain belief. Many made themselves and others miserable because of this belief. And this pleased Him greatly, for His heart was hard.

IV. 1. Lo, in 1962 the Great Gesargenplotz came back, and it saw what He had done. And the Great Gesargenplotz was wroth, and it spoke unto Him saying "Why have you done this? Why have you created these creatures just to torment them?" 2. And He answered, saying "I have done so because it amuses me, Great Gesargenplotz. Of what matter is their pain and disappointment? They are not gods as you and I, they exist only for my amusement." 3. The Great Gesargenplotz, hearing His answer, knew that His heart was hard. The Great Gesargenplotz repented it that it had made Him. 4. The Great Gesargenplotz ate Him and He was no more.

V. 1. The Great Gesargenplotz knew that the evil He had done did not perish with Him, that the evil He had done was caused not so much by His revelations as by what the humans believed. 2. As long as the humans continued to believe the false stories He had told them, their torments would continue. 3. So the Great Gesargenplotz decided that it would reveal itself to the humans. 4. It came to pass that the Great Gesargenplotz turned its attention upon a part of the Pacific Ocean, and there were few humans there. 5. There was a ship upon the Ocean, and there were many men upon the ship. It was night and but few of those men were awake. 6. And it came to pass that the Great Gesargenplotz revealed itself to one of those who were awake. In this way was the Chosen One chosen. And Harlan was the Chosen One.

VI. 1. The Great Gesargenplotz revealed itself to the Chosen One and told him these things here written. 2. The Chosen One was filled with awe and fear, for never before had anything been revealed unto him. 3. After a moment the Chosen One spoke to the Great Gesargenplotz, saying "How then, O Lord, shall we worship you?" 4. And the Great Gesargenplotz answered the Chosen One, saying "That stupid question shows that you have missed the whole point! You are to worship no god. You are on your own." 5. And when it had said these things, the Great Gesargenplotz went away. AMEN.